I have started to think that Uni is causing evil to my soul. Being here is also causing undeniable good and positive growth, but I’m cross and buried in homework right now so we can address that reality later. I have been having this thought, I need to be elsewhere, for a long time, born of the universal angsty angst of teenage existence and the sneaking suspicion that I’m being given the runaround in regard to my Future. I shall explain the feeling further. I can cite numerous conversations with fellow students in which we have mused together “what we are getting out of this? Why are we here? What is reality and what is a dream?” I wonder if I’m wasting my time at Uni trying to get good grades and achieve what I’m expected to achieve.
And here is the real question I asked myself tonight: when did doing what I like become a distraction? Sometimes I want to spend my time on other planes of existence than the cycle of school-home-study-sleep, rinse and repeat. I get it—feeling a little bit dreary and dull is nothing particularly special or worth publicly groaning about, especially at this time of year. But underneath the layers of slightly melodramatic complaints, there is some real contemplation which I’d like to think is valid and honest. Being at this school takes away a massive chunk of my free time and replaces it with—what, exactly? an unending stream of tests to pass, assignments to speed through, chunks of reading to skim? It isn’t too hard to get by with decent achievements here, but it means so more time commitment than it does actual interest or creativity.
Sometimes I feel dull at school, zombified, knowing that every fact or fragment of information goes in one ear and out the other. I make a good effort to sleep plenty, since I’m the type of person who handles being alive badly on less than 6 hours of sleep, but it never feels like enough. And I try hard to focus in class, but I’m spacey by nature, and the moment I start to think that understanding or remembering these words is only appealing to me so I can pass an exam and get an acceptable grade so that I can succeed in the way the Uni High has defined success, I get a little queasy. There have been moments—many in fact; they happen daily—when I’m sitting in class realizing that I’m actually being inspired in some legitimate fashion, that I’m doing something I find important and indispensible. But mostly that is not the case. Mostly I’m bored and half-asleep or dreaming.
I’m thinking about all this, and I’m also thinking about the stress associated. Even if those first paragraphs were totally useless to you, I’m sure that word stress makes good sense. I’ve tried many times to divorce myself from the anxieties of school and tests—I know that my value as a human being should not be informed by the grades I get—but it is sort of inescapable. Do you guys ever have dreams that you have a paper due the next day that you forgot to write and you are trapped in a room with a 15 page long math exam and you lost your calculator and if you don’t finish in time a giant spider will burst through the wall and devour your family? I hate that my subconscious is so afraid of school. And I’m sort of tired of hearing about how everyone is going to fail every test they get how it is going to ruin their life because really everyone could just calm down a little and get some perspective.
But these are just my two cents, at this particular moment in life. I don’t mean to apologize anything I’ve said, because I believe it all, but I would like to remind anyone who finds my irritation excessive that I do in fact, possess a grain of affection or two for Uni High. But the system is flawed, and sometimes I wish I had the time to be more than a student, or that the general consensus on success was a little less grade oriented. I wish that being interested in learning about the world was more virtuous than being interested in cramming three hours the night before an exam. I wish there was something more interesting for me to be interested in. But I’ll be out of here soon enough and maybe time and distance will allow me more sentimental appreciation for the place.
I often wish that my high school had been more like Uni, because I learned so very little while I was there. Most of my classes were truly a waste of my time, and I feel badly saying that, but I felt that way at the time and, looking back, I think it’s true. When I got to college I felt very behind, not just in my classes but in conversation with people my age who’d been to more rigorous high schools with intense curricula. I worked hard to catch up, not just in school but in becoming a cultured adult.
ReplyDeleteThen again, I had a very light workload in high school, and that left me a lot of time to pursue extracurricular activities that were important to me (theater and debate in school, drama and horseback riding out of school) and, maybe more importantly, time to spend with my friends, many of whom were also starved for intellectual connection and some sort of excitement. We made our own excitement, in our geeky way. And I value that time.
I don’t know which is better. But I do hope that you have more moments of interest and excitement at Uni, rather than less, and that you keep reminding yourself that your worth as a person is *not* dependant on your grades.
It's a shame, because going to high school is pretty much a prerequisite for having a productive future. (Although this cascades into our definitions of "productive" and "worthwhile," and why being in a band is not "a real job." I'll leave this discussion to you because you're clearly capable of handling it.)
ReplyDeleteAlso, kudos for describing my dreams with an unnerving level of accuracy.
Looking forward to hearing more from you.
I really enjoyed this post, it caused me to think alot. I never really thought of the things I like as distractions, but thats totally what they are by academic standards. Whats perhaps even more depressing is that once we're out of Uni, we have to go through it all over again in college.
ReplyDeleteWonderful post. This zombified feeling of malaise persisted for about half of my junior year. While the following is certainly not a long-term solution, I found that forcing myself to become interested or inspired was a way to banish this icky-feeling. Even if the subject or class is uninspiring and not pragmatic for the future, I remember "waking" up by simply focusing on some interesting facet or tidbit from the lecture or discussion.
ReplyDeleteThe importance placed on grades, or the attitudes of the teachers and students towards grades, clearly is something that needs refinement or a complete overhaul.
Is it evil that Uni is restricting the growth of your soul, or just less than ideal? I don't know...
ReplyDeleteI don't know how to get inspired about school in general. What I find most irritating about school is the "in one ear and out the other" thing you bring up; I forget nearly everything I learn right after the test, simply because the information usually isn't reinforced after the unit is over, and I won't ever need it again, because most of the stuff I learn in high school will not help me as an adult. If I major in English, I won't need two years of high school Calculus, and if I become an electrical engineer, I won't need freshman world history. When I ponder that, I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall trying to learn this stuff.
love this post, rosa. you clearly have emotions about school which are much less positive than mine, but it wasn't a rant... still thoughtful, creative, and honest. I especially like the angsty angst and giant spider sentences.
ReplyDeletejunior year was a grind for me, but I'm feeling a lot better now, and I hope you will too. every morning I think about the things I look forward to on that day and in my future, and most of the time it makes me feel good enough that I don't have to hit snooze.
I know you're gonna think that's silly. but I think happiness comes in small reflections, like realizing that even though your classmates are competitive smartasses you're all in it together. and even though some classes are a waste of time for you, your doodling skills are damn good :) and if nothing else you are learning how to politely zone which I've heard is an important life skill.
I completely agree with you. Whenever I start thinking about this, I wonder whether the issues that I have with Uni are just applicable to Uni or for all school. If you think about it, school is basically listening to people talk to you for 6-8 hours a day, 180 days a year. You're expected to keep quiet and understand everything that the person is telling you. Then, when you get home, you have to apply all of these concepts for several more hours in the form of homework. It all seems so endlessly repetitive.
ReplyDeleteThis was really well written, and definitely relatable. I have the exact same thoughts about the work load being monotonous and uninspiring. el-P brought up a good point. Since everyone has different potential interests that can change, we get a run through of eveything, the majority of it won't be applicable to our adult lives. While I'm glad we are getting well educated and we value our grades, I agree that it would't hurt relax a bit about it and pursue other interests.
ReplyDeleteYou're not the only person who feels this way. I wrote an essay in English class about the disadvantages of attending Uni. I think both the advantages and disadvantages are inherent in Uni's conception. Students may feel cynical because the courseload takes away their ability to be proactive: they can't choose to strive academically because everyone takes similar courses, but the environment more or less forces standards upon the students with "honors" courses that make it difficult to maintain a high GPA. Teachers may be less inclined to give concessions to students because the curve is nonexistent, even if an "honors" class is more tedious than an AP class but with less the credibility. Academic success appears less acknowledged at Uni than at most other schools; instead, academic success seems more or less a prerequisite. I believe I've had more significant academic opportunities, but learned less valuable information and became more tired by attending Uni.
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