There is something singularly terrifying about a blank sheet of paper (or, more relevantly a blank word doc) waiting to be filled up with clever words and brilliant ideas. It’s easy, at least for someone like me, to be totally overwhelmed every time I sit down to write. Seriously, it’s become a part of my writing process. I leave space in my brain for the inevitable freaking out and indecisiveness that I have to cycle through before I can write anything work keeping. It’s all very frustrating because I’m supposed to like writing and yet the actual process involves a lot of teeth gnashing and declarations of “I hate writing.” I’m sure many of you know the feeling: one thirty AM, trying to make a random medley of paragraphs fit together or trying to make two pesky sentences sound less clumsy. I wish writing was a simple activity with a single intended result. I like to know when I’m succeeding and when I’m failing.
My fear of writing has spawned some pretty bad habits, the worst of which is my procrastination. It makes it really hard to do a good job when I’m sitting down to write a four page paper the night before it’s due. Another of my bad writing habits is censoring myself as I write. If a word feels off or an idea seems half-baked or rings false, I simply can’t keep writing. I usually delete whatever I’ve written and leave myself some kind of reminder that I need to fill in whatever is missing. I am totally incapable of just letting go and writing without stopping. When I write I work on two or three paragraphs simultaneously, adding a sentence here, scrolling up to briefly outline an idea, typing out anything interesting I can think of to say. And I usually I find myself opening up Firefox every two or three sentences to check Facebook or my email or go in search for a better mix of writing songs, further interrupting the flow of my ideas. Between copy and pasting sentences and deleting chunks of words every couple minutes, everything seems to end up in a jumbled mess. Writing feels like a game of MadLibs—I’m always trying to fill in the blanks and hopefully achieve some kind of unity.
I probably think about writing more than most people do. I’ll share something a little personal to explain why. A couple years ago I decided that I wanted to get one fundamental thing out of my education: the ability to be a good writer. And as far as hobbies and passions go, I’ve always thought of myself as someone who loves and cares about writing as the most wonderful and important form of self-expression. I want to be able to win people’s hearts and minds with my words, there’s the embarrassing, icky truth. I want to be a great writer, and each time I sit down with a blank sheet of paper, I tell myself “this should be amazing.” It’s exhausting, but hopefully I can find a way to translate my ambition into actual, tangible productivity sometime soon.
You are so good, writing your post tonight even though I said it was technically not due 'til tomorrow. Excellent work with the not procrastinating!
ReplyDeleteThat said, I think everyone can relate to this post. Writing is hard. I always quote my beloved Shakespeare professor, Standish Henning, who said "Anyone who says he loves to write is lying; What he means is 'I love to have written.'" (Prof. Henning was old school, so I'll let the universal "he" stand, though I don't usually cotton to gender-specific language.)
But I will offer you this bit of encouraging news: it gets easier. I find writing a hell of a lot easier than I did ten years ago. The more you write, the more fluid it becomes, and the more you figure out the little tricks that work for you as a writer. (I also recommend keeping a journal, if you don't already. It's great in a number of ways, not least of which is the regular writing practice in a low-pressure context.)
I'll also offer a word of advice: When you can't find the right word or phrase, use the best thing you can find, but put it in brackets. Then come back and figure out something better later, once you actually have a draft (or a paragraph or whatever you're working on). It will save you a lot of time sitting paralyzed with your fingers floating above your keyboard.
Great post.
I must agree, it is hard to keep writing. When I was little, I wanted to write like my friends who could stick to one story and write. But I would always give up after writing several pages. Either I lost energy, or I became dissatisfied and ashamed of my writing, I would never stick to and persevere. I guess that is just something I will have to learn to get over... :)
ReplyDeleteExcellent post! :)
I completely agree. There is something so daunting about a blank document with the cursor blinking at you. For me, there is a fear that what you write won't be good enough and there's the larger fear that you might just have to start over. Great post and you really should know though that your writing is lovely :)
ReplyDeleteI do envy those people who can just fluidly churn out lofty and brilliant paragraphs. Alas.
ReplyDeleteI am in the same boat, with the constant self-evaluation/ self-editing/ self-critiquing. Two tips, one self-evident and one not: great opprobrium upon your head for writing while switching between the creation of your masterpiece and the glitzy glamor of the internet :P. I know it's hard, but dividing time into work-time and me-time partitions is really helpful(though harder than I care to acknowledge).
A more interesting thing to try would be to type with your eyes closed. Maybe not. But I do find that if I'm trying to write in a more fluid and relaxed manner, this aids me wonderfully in stringing out a more cohesive idea onto the page (and then I open my eyes, fix the numerous typos, and commence the nitty-gritty editing. Or frown and delete the whole thing).
I share similar thoughts toward my writing assignments. Even if the topic interests me, I can't get away from the fact that I'm going to be staring at a blank computer screen trying to fill it up with my words. Everything that I say seems so artificial, since I'm trying to carefully choose my words to make sense. The whole writing process seems flawed to me, but I don't think there's an easy fix. Nice post.
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